You ever have that moment where your brain says, “Ok, mouth, say, ‘Pass the milk, please.’” and then when your mouth opens it says, “I think your boyfriend is an asshole.” And you’re like, “whoa!” and just as totally surprised as your friend because you cannot believe what you just said and neither can she? That is sort of how I came out for the first time. But I hadn’t even come out to myself yet, so when it happened it was just sort of dropped. I never let it go though. I spent years and years wondering why the hell I said what I said. Eventually when I realized I was a homo I was all, “Oh, ok. That makes sense.” But before I realized I was gay I was at a total loss, couldn’t come up with one single reason in the whole wide world as to why I would accidentally say what I said.
I was about 12 and I was at Rene’s house and we were watching Cheers. Remember that show? Where everyone knows your name? Right. So, this particular episode was during the Kirstie Alley years, after the Shelly Long years (never did like that Shelly character.) So, Rene and I were watching this show and Kirstie Alley does this high squeaky noise thing that she always did, that I found ‘adorable’ which was unknowingly-closeted-lesbian-lingo for ‘that turns me on a little bit.’ And so, Kirstie does this squeaky noise thing that I adored and my brain says to my mouth, “Mouth, say, ‘Kirstie Alley is so funny!’” and then my mouth opened and said, “Kirstie Alley is so hot!”
Whoa! Whoops! Oh my god! I could have died. Hot does not rhyme with funny! What happened?! And um, gross! She’s a girl! Rene whipped her head towards me, “What did you just say?!?” And I laughed very uncomfortably and said, “Oh my god, I mean funny! What the hell?!” And she gave me a weird look and I tried to die but didn’t and we just kept watching the show.
This was when I was 12. I came out to myself at 15. That time it was Sophie B. Hawkins’ fault but that was ok, I was kind of ready, or at least ready as I’d ever be.
And that, my fine flanneled friends, is how Kirstie Alley tickled my gay funny bone so much that my gay brain couldn’t even get my gay mouth to say something not gay.
And p.s. she is hot.