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I have spent this week more offline than usual, which honestly, isn’t so offline, but more so than usual and hence, a real lack of posting. The weather has been wonderful and in the middle of January this is not something you ignore. So Violet, the Seal and I have been outside taking long morning strolls, the Seal and I have spent some time with the 5 little fish out back, and yesterday we went to the beach where I threw a stick, the Seal ran, jumped in the water, got the stick, brought the stick back to me, where I would then pick up the stick and throw it again. We did this for a long time. It is her favorite game and somehow, watching her run back to me at full speed, like, “Don’t worry, jesse! I haaaaave theeeeee stiiiiiiick!” never gets old and always makes me nearly as excited as she seems to be.
So, to keep on with my offlineness this might well be a record short post from yours truly. Happy Friday to all.
Violet’s mom is in town. I adore Violet’s mom and lucky for me the feeling seems to be mutual. We have been having a nice time despite one minor, yet quite awkward, road bump.
Last night the three of us went out for dinner. After eating way too much fabulous Thai food at (yes, I am about to plug a restaurant) Sea Thai in Wallingford (I have been there 2,387 times and it is ALWAYS delicious), we decided to get a movie and have a cozy, early night. The movie we wanted, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” was checked out so we had to come up with a plan B. And I don’t know about you, but for me, renting a movie is like going to the grocery store in that there are tons of things I want but if I don’t make a list before I go, as soon as I step foot in the store, all of a sudden I can’t think of anything specific, in the whole wide world, that I have any interest in at that moment. This happened to all three of us and when the movie we wanted wasn’t there we all ended up staring blankly at a wall covered in dvd’s. Eventually, a woman that worked at the store asked us if we needed help. Clearly we did.
I asked the nice woman exactly this, “Ya actually. My mother in-law and I (Violet was off looking at subtitled documentaries) are looking for a comedy, but not slapstick, you know, something with smart dialog. ” The movie-rental-lady scratched her head and said, “Let me think a minute.” Fine. Violet’s mom and I continued staring at the wall. The movie rental lady pops back, hands me a dvd and says, “Here. This one didn’t get enough attention as far as I’m concerned. It’s from the 90′s. I bet you all will like it. Funny, smart, coming of age. Great dialog.” The movie title was “Slums of Beverly Hills.” Ok, well, it has Marissa Tomei. The plot didn’t seem particularly good but also not bad so it seemed fine. We were all at a loss for other options, so, this was perfect.
We got home, changed into our pajamas and the four of us (the fourth being the Seal, of course) cuddled up on the couch and pushed play.
First scene starts: And BAM! BOOBS. I’m not kidding, no credits, no song, nothing but boobs. The whole tv screen was covered in a close up of some teenaged girl’s breasts. There is a close-up of her trying on bras while her dad is in the background talking about how “she is stacked.” Awkward. Very awkward start. None of us say anything. “It’s just the first scene” my brain is whispering to me, “it’ll get better.”
Second scene: Marissa Tomay attempting to hitchhike in the dark wearing what appears to be a hospital robe. And as a huge semi truck comes blazing down the street, she stands in front of it, the semi honks it’s loud horn, insinuating “get out of the road lady, I got places to be” when all of a sudden… yep, she flashes her breasts. Once again, all in a matter of 5 minutes, I am sitting next to Violet’s mom on my couch trying to figure out how to exist while my tv screen looks like one big poster of breasts. So. Awkward.
Finally, I say something. I have to, no one else is and clearly this might not be the movie for us. “So, should we all start considering something different to watch?” Both Violet and her mom nod their heads. “Should we just give up now or…?” Violet’s mom says, well, let’s give it a few more minutes but so far this movie does not have my attention.” Which was totally opposite of me. I was so mortified by this movie it was consuming me.
Next scene: The “stacked” teenager is looking inside her family’s new apartment when in walks the neighbor. He is smoking a cigarette, comments on her breasts, which then leads to another close up of her “stackedness”, and then asks her if she would like to buy some weed.
So, wow. Now we have a movie about teenage breasts and drugs. Awesome. Awesome recommendation rental store lady. This movie shouldn’t be so vaguely placed in the “comedy” section. No, this movie should go in the “very smart witty comedy movies to watch with your mother-in-law, grandparents, and young children” section.
Oh, and right before we turned it off, the “stacked” teenager’s little brother pulls a cooked cat out of the oven. I might even ask for my money back.
My lack of posting has been bugging me. Mostly I have felt like I should do some sort of recap of this last holiday break with both Violet’s family and my family (they live in the same area, randomly enough.) But this holiday was hard for me. Hard in very personal ways, which are the hardest ways for me to write about. Hard enough to induce a couple of meltdowns or breakdowns, whatever you want to call them. And the way I choose to write this blog comes with a particular filter that makes it even harder to write about this kind of stuff. Like, in this case, feeling hurt and disappointed the way I do, with my family.
The story here is tricky, because I love my family, immeasurably, and I understand them in ways and know them with layers and layers of time and connection. So by recounting snippets of moments where my grandma was remarkably rude to Violet then goes out to a world where my grandma has no reasonable and warranted back up- all of the millions of beautiful and loving things about her, you know? The fear I often have writing here, is the fear of delivering a two dimensional, one sided, flat, imbalanced reality. When what I want to do, what I try to do, is simply paint pictures, tell stories.
So, to continue annoying myself with resistant writing, the best I can do for this one is to say that Violet and I have known each others family exactly the same amount of time but the level of inclusion into each others family felt so imbalanced over the holiday it broke my heart a few different times and it kept me up at night. My family being the folks invalidating my relationship by repeatedly reinforcing, sometimes with ignorance, sometimes with intention, that Violet is not their family.
It broke my heart to watch Violet try to stay strong and kind and loving when my family would make Violet an outsider. I have never had my teeth so clamped around my tongue with them before (which is saying a lot, believe me) and the only reason I kept my mouth shut was because I feared that if I exploded and started pointing fingers they would all blame my outburst on Violet. Well, that, and Violet wouldn’t want me to defend her that way.
My instinct to defend and protect and keep Violet safe and happy and loved is potent and unstoppable. And it is mutual. I know this because she tells me and shows me this all of the time, in ways that are so intentionally loving and soft and infinite. In ways that cradle me to sleep at night, past all of the anger and anxiety and fear that I carry, into dreams about being free. She does this for me all of the time, she always has, and this, over the years, has softened my brow. And this kind of love has taught me how to hold my angry, defensive words, this time towards my family, until what I have to say has the love I feel for them tucked in as well. This is what Violet has always done for me, and this is how I am learning to love the world back.
This post was suppose to be a vague recap of my holiday adventures, but I like it better this way, and so, for now, I’ll end here.
A few weeks ago I held a last minute contest to try and figure out what the hell to get Violet for Christmas. Our only rule was that it had to be $20 or less. So, I asked you, my fabulous people, for help and to no surprise at all, several of you responded with mind-blowing, creative, romantic, thoughtful, amazingly personal, touching, original, fabulous gift ideas. In return I promised to report back, let you know whose idea I went with and that person could either 1. Get a Cherday dedication which I will either tailor just for you or you, the winner, can decide who and what song is played that day –OR- 2. The wonderful Seal will balance the (reasonable) object of your choice on her head.
Now, before I announce the winners (because several ideas made up my gift) I just want to reiterate, until you are utterly annoyed with my gratitude, how grateful I am to everyone that participated and how seriously impressed I am with all of you. Like, really, really impressed. Oh, and I will continue to use bits and pieces of all of these amazing ideas for future gifts. So, thank you in advance for the stock of super-fabulous-and-romantic gift ideas.
Ok, here we go: This year, for Christmas, I gave Violet a photo album with every single photo I could find that had just the two of us in it. I dug through the house and my computer for photos, printed and gathered them all and made it as chronological as my memory serves. I found a good looking photo album with a ton of pages to leave room for pictures to come. If you aren’t Violet or me it might not be a very interesting gift to look through, but for us, it is a way to look back at all of the adventures we have been on together. And right smack in the middle of the album, all of a sudden, a lot of the photos have this really cute black dog in them. And then there were three…
Ready!?! (drum roll please)… The winners are: (in order of comments)
- ~k
- zach
- Amber
- Saintchick (ok, if you are really going back to that post and reading the comments you might notice that Saintchick’s idea didn’t really have much to do with this gift, but she wanted it bad- so a Cherday shout out she shall get.)
So, ~k, zach, fg, and Amber- send in (email me) your requests! And, again and again and again, thanks to all of you creative geniuses! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
(Coming up on jljj: Stay tuned for verbose rants about serious Holiday family stresses, sudden snow storms to trap me in a car with key stress makers, Christmas day sunburns and how two margaritas, a text from Violet and a new car with front weel drive saved my sanity…)
Ok, ok, ok, I have waited for everyone around to finally go to bed and fall asleep so to sneak this post from my folks computer in Somewhere Oregon. I think I am officially having blog withdrawals – does anyone know about this? Is this normal?
So, ok, holy cow, to say the very least. What a vacation trip this little holiday break has been. I don’t have much to say yet (can you even believe that?!?) as I have been biting my tongue here and there for so many days now that maybe I’ve lost my touch a bit? Or maybe I am just so damn tired and worn down and out that the verbose in me has crashed into a deep sleep? This I know- I can’t wait to get back to Seattle with my little family, sit on my couch and stare at all of the laundry and everything else that needs attention that won’t get any for a few days, at least.
This holiday venture has been wonderful in parts and hard and stressful and emotional and hard and hard and hard, just like everyone, in all of our different ways, right? I know. But I so look forward to being home, to waking up with JUST Violet, and ONLY the Seal somewhere near by. I look forward to an extended general state of boringness.
My little family, Violet, the Seal and myself, intend on leaving tomorrow morning but, but, but, who-the-&*@#-ever-with-serious-weather-power-who-very-obviously-hates-me cried his vengeful tears and this city that I am in, all of a sudden, out of the blue, with NO warning or prediction what so ever, has been covered in 8 inches of snow and ice. So now, obviously, who knows where I’ll be tomorrow night now. Have I mentioned that I am exhausted?
This-totally-CRAZY-out-of-the-blue-that-no-one-in-the-whole-world-or-outer-universe-knew-was-coming snow storm, that had me stuck in the car, attempting to drive with the main goal of not dying for what should have been 30 minutes turned 5 hours, with all of the main family stressers in my life in tow, ALL DAMN DAY AND NIGHT, might hold us back one more day. Of course, right. Fine. Whatever.
Point is… eh, I don’t have one. Well, here’s a point: I have made it thus far which leads me to a strong belief that I will make it, in general. And, oh yes, hi little house of jljj, I’ve missed all of you.
So, Violet is out of town (and has made it safely to the bottom of the grand canyon ::sigh of relief::)… AND is out of cellular and internet reach, meaning, I can beg you, my fine, fine readers, to help me and not get caught. The deal is, we have agreed to only spend $20 on each other for the holidays (actually it was $10 but that is ridiculous) as we are going on a little vacation this coming January together.
So the (obvious) question is: WHAT THE HELL DO I GET MY GIRLFRIEND THAT DOESN’T SUCK FOR UNDER 20 BUCKS?
Here is what she doesn’t want or need: scarf, gloves, hat, socks.
Feel free to HELP ME PLEASE by commenting, tweeting or emailing your suggestions… or you can just sit at home, point and laugh at the screen while you keep the perfect gift idea a secret, cause you are mean like that. COME ON FOLKS! I GOT NOTHIN’!
I will have to temporarily take down this post or hide comments or something by tomorrow around 8 or 9 on the off chance that her first priority in her return to civilization is checking my blog… likely right? Hmm. Anyway… Oh, and I have to be able to pick it up by Friday – no pressure.
Oh yes, and what’s in it for you, you ask? Serious gratitude and one of the following: The person who’s gift idea I go with will either get a Cherday dedication (you can even choose the song) OR the Seal will balance the (reasonable) object of your choosing on her head – up to you…
The Seal and I dropped Violet and her dad at the airport oh so very early this morning. I didn’t intend on bringing the Seal but she has learned now that when Violet and I begin to stir before the sun is up this means that one or both of us will go missing for a few days. She is a pretty mellow dog for the most part but this morning she looked frantic, rushing around, trying to follow us both around the house wherever we went. And when she couldn’t stop hiccuping I realized she had found a new level of anxiety. So to help ease her constantly-flowing-waterfall-of-emotions-dog-brain I took her outside and made room for her in the car with her blanket. She caught on and immediately the tail was flying and she calmed down.
And now it is mid-afternoon and the Seal and I have done nothing to note. I gave the Seal a bit more breakfast than usual, comfort kibble if you will, and then I gave her a bone to chew out the nervousness with. I had beef stew and ice cream for breakfast and may or may not have that again for lunch. Pizza and beer for dinner, for sure. There are dishes in the sink that will stay there a bit longer than usual and I am still in pajamas. I am trying to make the most of things, right off the bat, to cover the anxiety I can’t shake about Violet’s trip. I know, I know, I know, it will all go splendidly and she will have a ton of great stories, and I am very excited for her. I just look forward to the part where she is back, safe and sound, and complaining about how messy the kitchen is.
On a different note, thank you kind readers, for all of the very sweet emails and comments regarding my sweet little fish friend. If there was an award for Most Fabulous Blog Readers, this blog would win for sure.
A phone call yesterday:
::ring ring::
Violet: Oh hi mom and dad.
Dad: Hi Violet. Are you still planning to go on vacation to Mexico to learn Spanish?
Vioet: Um, well yes but probably not until January.
Dad: Well, you know, December is the best time to hike the Grand Canyon.
Violet: Oh. Ok. No, I didn’t know that.
Dad: Ya, it is. There was an article about it in the New York Times today. So, I was thinking, instead of going to Mexico, you and I should hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon together…
Mom: Well Violet, I don’t think you are going to learn a whole lot of Spanish walking the Grand Canyon with your father…
Dad (interrupts): Oh no, a lot of people speak Spanish there.
Violet: Um, wow, ok, well, can I think about it, talk with jesse and see when I might be able to consider this?
Me (whispering in the background while flailing my hands): Go, go go! Oh my lord, Violet, just go!
Dad: Sure, ok. But I have reserved a couple of plane tickets and our stay at the bottom of the canyon for next week. They also provide our food. I ordered you the stew.
She smiled big. She loves stew… and her dad.
How did this end, you ask?
She leaves next Wednesday.
Several years ago now, I was in France visiting Violet. In France a lot of bathrooms have this strange set up where both men and women walk through the same door only to land in this tiny area that serves as a sort of bathroom-purgatory, if you will. This is the place where the sinks, mirrors and towels are. So, both men and women stand there together while waiting to pee or what-have-you. I found that generally to the left is the womens stall and to the right is the mens. So as it goes, we all stand there, men and women together, waiting for our binary gender appropriate door to open and to then be freed to let us in and be relieved.
So I am in France visiting Violet, looking more masculine than feminine (which is not to say that I think I looked more boy than just me but more than not the French thought I was a guy.) She and I are getting lunch at a cute little bistro and I have to pee. I walk into the French bathroom purgatory area and I wait. Both stalls are busy. I am in this bathroom purgatory with one man. As we wait, in walks a woman.
And then there were three.
A thing I noticed about France (this I learned the hard way again and again): Out in public, women don’t tend to smile at folks they don’t know really. And if a man smiles at a women or vice versa it isn’t unfair to assume they might be flirting a little.
So, I’m in France waiting to pee in the bathroom purgatory with both a man and a women. What I have yet to mention is that when the woman walked in I smiled at her which led her to give me a very awkward and blatant scoff as she turned her whole body away from me. So, either she caught that I am just a stoopeed american girl OR I am crammed in a little room and just accidentally said to some random woman, “Oh, oui!? You like my smile, no?! Well zen… hough hough hough! (that is my impression of a french laugh, it offends Violet to no end.) A second later she mumbled something casual sounding to me in french which led me to respond according to her tone, ” Ah, oui.” And I did what I could to not smile.
At this point, speaking almost no french, I had taught myself how to answer a french question or statement with “oui” or “non” simply by interpreting the inflection of the sentence. I was usually pretty good at guessing correctly.
Maybe it was the bathroom purgatory pressure or maybe I was just doomed to do nothing right, but as that woman looked me right in the eyes and said, “vous la pue de la la de dee da fou le gwagh pa nui hough de le sweegh doo!?!” I had NO idea if I should go with “Oui!” or “Aaaaah, non, non, non!” I went with “oui” again, which was clearly the. wrong. answer.
Next thing I knew a man came out of the mens stall, washed his hands and left. Now there was an empty stall for a man with the three of us staring at the door. And then both the man and woman in purgatory with me looked at me wondering what I was going to do… and so did I!
The purgatory man looked at me, opened the stall door, like a man might do when he’s holding a door for a lady and probably wouldn’t do for another dude that needs to pee, and used his other hand to make the motion of “after you.”
At this point I realized how utterly confused our situation was:
The man that was holding the door for me was there first, so even if I was a guy it was his turn. And clearly he knew this and he knew that I knew this and now I had realized that he knew that I was a girl BUT when this other woman entered our bathroom purgatory both the man and I silently agreed that she clearly thought I was a man and totally mistook my smile for a french, “Hey, how yOu doin? Eh?‘” On top of that, the man that was in the purgatory bathroom before me not only got that I was female and that I was being mistaken for male by an uptight french woman who I had unintentionally flirted with and then answered two of her questions incorrectly BUT he knew I needed some help. SO his reaction was to attempt to save me by giving up his spot in line and escort me into the mens room.
Totally confusing, no?
I gave him an “I don’t know about this” look and he smiled at me and I smiled back while reluctantly walking into the stall. And really, that might have been the record holder for “most innocent smile exchange between the sexes in all of French history.” I walked through his held open door, to which the woman thought nothing of and I peed. Finally.
I walked out of the stall and saw the man that had held the door still waiting, the woman that kind of hated me was now in the womens stall. I stopped, smiled, and held open the door to the mens room for him. We both laughed and as he walked through I said quietly, “Mercy” and through a very thick french accent he said, “You are very welcome, madam.”
(In order to preserve and maintain the high level of faggy queerness that I have very intentionally injected into this series, please click on the video below and count to fifteen before reading the final credits – it is just so gay and perfect that way, trust me.)
. . . . .
…And like every adventure that ever was, eventually there is – The End -
. . . . .
Tour of Fabulous: Final Credits (in order of appearance):
The oh so amazing and lovely, long time leading lady: Violet
My four legged shadow: the Seal
The reason I didn’t miss my flight: The SeaTac TSA lady that kind of hated me
Red backpack: As itself
Best hair product in the world: Not telling
Sexy smooth dude/ Ol’ school best buddy: Sinclair Sexsmith
Sweet girl that put up with Sin and me all week: Kristen
Partner in many a late night crimes, one of my very favorites, Park Slope pool survivor: Mikey
Crowd of fabulous on Friday night: Everyone that did not try to beat me up
Pool shark: Barb
Pool shark’s drunk friend: Suz
Very cool dude who threw an awesome party: JessHeIs
Lady who hypnotized me with her eyes and then fed me breakfast: Tina-cous
Snazziest dressed (by a long shot) at Jess’ party: Dr. Leo MacCool
Wonderful, sweet new friend willing to talk with me all night long: Freedomgirl
Doppelganger-Shane from the L-word: the DJ at Jess’ party
Lovely girl behind those green eyes: greg
greg’s dress: As itself
New long distance bff: greg’s girlfriend
. . . . .
TOF Director: Sinclair Sexsmith
TOF Producer: jesse james
TOF Executive Producer: the Seal
TOF Editor: Fraidy Phat the Fish
TOF Fact Verifier: Marcus the Raccoon
“Tour of Fabulous” Title Credit and Most Missed Blogger: Lady Brett
Onset Chef and Makeup Artist: Kristen
Windsor Tie Knot Maker and Hair Validator to jesse james: Sinclair Sexsmith
Cherday Sponsor: Thursday
(endless) Support Crew: Violet
Best Boy Grip: That’s what she said
*A special thanks to Sinclair Sexsmith, one of my very favorite people on earth, for putting me up and putting up with me for a week. You are a host with the most and one of my favorite ways to spend my time. And to all of you along this amazing vacation adventure, thank you for being so kind and wonderful and welcoming. I am very lucky to have met you and to have you all in my world. And thank you all for getting through all four parts with no one screaming “LIAR! I can’t believe you just said that about me!”
I very much look forward to TOF: The Sequel.
with love, of course,
jesse james
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