So, Violet is out of town (and has made it safely to the bottom of the grand canyon ::sigh of relief::)… AND is out of cellular and internet reach, meaning, I can beg you, my fine, fine readers, to help me and not get caught. The deal is, we have agreed to only spend $20 on each other for the holidays (actually it was $10 but that is ridiculous)  as we are going on a little vacation this coming January together.

So the (obvious) question is: WHAT THE HELL DO I GET MY GIRLFRIEND THAT DOESN’T SUCK FOR UNDER 20 BUCKS?

Here is what she doesn’t want or need: scarf, gloves, hat, socks.

Feel free to HELP ME PLEASE by commenting, tweeting or emailing your suggestions… or you can just sit at home, point and laugh at the screen while you keep the perfect gift idea a secret, cause you are mean like that. COME ON FOLKS! I GOT NOTHIN’!

I will have to temporarily take down this post or hide comments or something by tomorrow around 8 or 9 on the off chance that her first priority in her return to civilization is checking my blog… likely right? Hmm. Anyway… Oh, and I have to be able to pick it up by Friday – no pressure.

Oh yes, and what’s in it for you, you ask? Serious gratitude and one of the following: The person who’s gift idea I go with will either get a Cherday dedication (you can even choose the song) OR the Seal will balance the (reasonable) object of your choosing on her head – up to you…

The Seal and I dropped Violet and her dad at the airport oh so very early this morning. I didn’t intend on bringing the Seal but she has learned now that when Violet and I begin to stir before the sun is up this means that one or both of us will go missing for a few days. She is a pretty mellow dog for the most part but this morning she looked frantic, rushing around, trying to follow us both around the house wherever we went. And when she couldn’t stop hiccuping I realized she had found a new level of anxiety. So to help ease her constantly-flowing-waterfall-of-emotions-dog-brain I took her outside and made room for her in the car with her blanket. She caught on and immediately the tail was flying and she calmed down.

And now it is mid-afternoon and the Seal and I have done nothing to note. I gave the Seal a bit more breakfast than usual, comfort kibble if you will, and then I gave her a bone to chew out the nervousness with. I had beef stew and ice cream for breakfast and may or may not have that again for lunch. Pizza and beer for dinner, for sure. There are dishes in the sink that will stay there a bit longer than usual and I am still in pajamas. I am trying to make the most of things, right off the bat, to cover the anxiety I can’t shake about Violet’s trip. I know, I know, I know, it will all go splendidly and she will have a ton of great stories, and I am very excited for her. I just look forward to the part where she is back, safe and sound, and complaining about how messy the kitchen is.

On a different note, thank you kind readers, for all of the very sweet emails and comments regarding my sweet little fish friend. If there was an award for Most Fabulous Blog Readers, this blog would win for sure.

A phone call yesterday:

::ring ring::

Violet: Oh hi mom and dad.

Dad: Hi Violet. Are you still planning to go on vacation to Mexico to learn Spanish?

Vioet: Um, well yes but probably not until January.

Dad: Well, you know, December is the best time to hike the Grand Canyon.

Violet: Oh. Ok. No, I didn’t know that.

Dad: Ya, it is. There was an article about it in the New York Times today. So, I was thinking, instead of going to Mexico, you and I should hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon together…

Mom: Well Violet, I don’t think you are going to learn a whole lot of Spanish walking the Grand Canyon with your father…

Dad (interrupts): Oh no, a lot of people speak Spanish there.

Violet: Um, wow, ok, well, can I think about it, talk with jesse and see when I might be able to consider this?

Me (whispering in the background while flailing my hands): Go, go go! Oh my lord, Violet, just go!

Dad: Sure, ok. But I have reserved a couple of plane tickets and our stay at the bottom of the canyon for next week. They also provide our food. I ordered you the stew.

She smiled big. She loves stew… and her dad.

How did this end, you ask?

She leaves next Wednesday.

Several years ago now, I was in France visiting Violet. In France a lot of bathrooms have this strange set up where both men and women walk through the same door only to land in this tiny area that serves as a sort of bathroom-purgatory, if you will. This is the place where the sinks, mirrors and towels are. So, both men and women stand there together while waiting to pee or what-have-you. I found that generally to the left is the womens stall and to the right is the mens. So as it goes, we all stand there, men and women together, waiting for our binary gender appropriate door to open and to then be freed to let us in and be relieved.

So I am in France visiting Violet, looking more masculine than feminine (which is not to say that I think I looked more boy than just me but more than not the French thought I was a guy.) She and I are getting lunch at a cute little bistro and I have to pee. I walk into the French bathroom purgatory area and I wait. Both stalls are busy. I am in this bathroom purgatory with one man. As we wait, in walks a woman.

And then there were three.

A thing I noticed about France (this I learned the hard way again and again): Out in public, women don’t tend to smile at folks they don’t know really. And if a man smiles at a women or vice versa it isn’t unfair to assume they might be flirting a little.

So, I’m in France waiting to pee in the bathroom purgatory with both a man and a women. What I have yet to mention is that when the woman walked in I smiled at her which led her to give me a very awkward and blatant scoff as she turned her whole body away from me. So, either she caught that I am just a stoopeed american girl OR I am crammed in a little room and just accidentally said to some random woman, “Oh, oui!? You like my smile, no?! Well zen… hough hough hough! (that is my impression of a french laugh, it offends Violet to no end.) A second later she mumbled something casual sounding to me in french which led me to respond according to her tone, ” Ah, oui.” And I did what I could to not smile.

At this point, speaking almost no french, I had taught myself  how to answer a french question or statement with “oui” or “non” simply by interpreting the inflection of the sentence. I was usually pretty good at guessing correctly.

Maybe it was the bathroom purgatory pressure or maybe I was just doomed to do nothing right, but as that woman looked me right in the eyes and said, “vous la pue de la la de dee da fou le gwagh pa nui hough de le sweegh doo!?!” I had NO idea if I should go with “Oui!” or “Aaaaah, non, non, non!” I went with “oui” again, which was clearly the. wrong. answer.

Next thing I knew a man came out of the mens stall, washed his hands and left. Now there was an empty stall for a man with the three of us staring at the door. And then both the man and woman in purgatory with me looked at me wondering what I was going to do… and so did I!

The purgatory man looked at me, opened the stall door, like a man might do when he’s holding a door for a lady and probably wouldn’t do for another dude that needs to pee, and used his other hand to make the motion of “after you.”

At this point I realized how utterly confused our situation was:

The man that was holding the door for me was there first, so even if I was a guy it was his turn. And clearly he knew this and he knew that I knew this and now I had realized that he knew that I was a girl BUT when this other woman entered our bathroom purgatory both the man and I silently agreed that she clearly thought I was a man and totally mistook my smile for a french, “Hey, how yOu doin? Eh?‘” On top of that, the man that was in the purgatory bathroom before me not only got that I was female and that I was being mistaken for male by an uptight french woman who I had unintentionally flirted with and then answered two of her questions incorrectly BUT he knew I needed some help. SO his reaction was to attempt to save me by giving up his spot in line and escort me into the mens room.

Totally confusing, no?

I gave him an “I don’t know about this” look and he smiled at me and I smiled back while reluctantly walking into the stall. And really, that might have been the record holder for “most innocent smile exchange between the sexes in all of French history.” I walked through his held open door, to which the woman thought nothing of and I peed. Finally.

I walked out of the stall and saw the man that had held the door still waiting, the woman that kind of hated me was now in the womens stall. I stopped, smiled, and held open the door to the mens room for him. We both laughed and as he walked through I said quietly, “Mercy” and through a very thick french accent he said, “You are very welcome, madam.”

(In order to preserve and maintain the high level of faggy queerness that I have very intentionally injected into this series, please click on the video below and count to fifteen before reading the final credits – it is just so gay and perfect that way, trust me.)

.          .          .           .           .

…And like every adventure that ever was, eventually there is – The End -

.          .          .          .          .

Tour of Fabulous: Final Credits (in order of appearance):

Part 1:

The oh so amazing and lovely, long time leading lady: Violet

My four legged shadow: the Seal

The reason I didn’t miss my flight: The SeaTac TSA lady that kind of hated me

Red backpack: As itself

Best hair product in the world: Not telling

Part 2:

Sexy smooth dude/ Ol’ school best buddy: Sinclair Sexsmith

Sweet girl that put up with Sin and me all week: Kristen

Partner in many a late night crimes, one of my very favorites, Park Slope pool survivor: Mikey

Crowd of fabulous on Friday night: Everyone that did not try to beat me up

Pool shark: Barb

Pool shark’s drunk friend: Suz

Part 3:

Very cool dude who threw an awesome party: JessHeIs

Lady who hypnotized me with her eyes and then fed me breakfast: Tina-cous

Snazziest dressed (by a long shot) at Jess’ party: Dr. Leo MacCool

Wonderful, sweet new friend willing to talk with me all night long: Freedomgirl

Doppelganger-Shane from the L-word: the DJ at Jess’ party

Part 4:

Lovely girl behind those green eyes: greg

greg’s dress: As itself

New long distance bff: greg’s girlfriend

.          .          .          .          .

TOF Director: Sinclair Sexsmith

TOF Producer: jesse james

TOF Executive Producer: the Seal

TOF Editor: Fraidy Phat the Fish

TOF Fact Verifier: Marcus the Raccoon

“Tour of Fabulous” Title Credit and Most Missed Blogger: Lady Brett

Onset Chef and Makeup Artist: Kristen

Windsor Tie Knot Maker and Hair Validator to jesse james: Sinclair Sexsmith

Cherday Sponsor: Thursday

(endless) Support Crew: Violet

Best Boy Grip: That’s what she said

*A special thanks to Sinclair Sexsmith, one of my very favorite people on earth, for putting me up and putting up with me for a week. You are a host with the most and one of my favorite ways to spend my time. And to all of you along this amazing vacation adventure, thank you for being so kind and wonderful and welcoming. I am very lucky to have met you and to have you all in my world. And thank you all for getting through all four parts with no one screaming “LIAR! I can’t believe you just said that about me!”

I very much look forward to TOF: The Sequel.

with love, of course,

jesse james

Last weekend Violet, the Seal, a good friend and I went for a lovely hike in the woods. It was a perfect day, perfect temperature and with perfect company.

I have wanted to learn/do parkour for some time, which I have practiced a bit and to which Violet very much disapproves. Our agreement to date is that if and when I have really good insurance I can do “this parkour thing”. I do not have really great insurance as of now and therefor have not done any parkouring… except for that one little moment at the bottom of the hike.

There was this big slanted bolder thing about 100 feet from the trail head and on the way up my brain was screaming “Run up that thing like spider-man! Do it do it do it!!” But I didn’t.  Because I, like oh so many, am presently uninsured (different post!).

On the way down from the hike, as we passed that perfectly steep and slanted bolder again and maybe for the last time in my whole entire life my brain was screaming, “Now! Now! Now! Go! Go! Go!” and all of a sudden I was running and crawling up this huge steep bolder thing like a fucking superhero! I stood at the top, grandly bowing at the applause going wild in my head.  Our friend was totally impressed and I am not sure what Violet would say now, but I saw that look, at the time I’m pretty sure she thought it was cool.

Our friend tried a few times but wasn’t quite getting it so I decided to climb down and show her how-its-done.

I got to the last bit of the rock that I could actually stand on and took a bit of a jump down. I landed… oh so totally unparkourly… and landed myself a very serious ankle injury. For the last few days I have been calling it a sprain but as I still can’t walk I am starting to wonder/worry a bit that something might be broken (the insurance should come through any day now! *insecure laugh with fingers crossed*).

Violet has bit her tongue and has been nothing but a sexy sweet angel nurse who has been so incredibly caring and kind to her now mostly useless, fleeting-moment-now-turned-ex superhero partner.

All of this is to say I have been spending a lot of time on the couch staring at books, magazines, blogs and youtube. So, besides knowing everything there is to know about African elephants (seriously, ask me anything) my favorite find so far is this short little video. I can’t stop watching it.

If there was a 100% guarantee that I would have this kid exactly I would happily sit on this couch for another 9 months. And seriously, I am a convert at this point- take Violet’s advice on this one – “No insurance, well then, don’t act dumb… you can’t afford it.”

How to make something for your girlfriend that includes:  getting to be outside, playing in the dirt, getting to dig holes, requiring no more help than a Seal or misc. domestic animal can offer, hammering (you really don’t need to do this, but it can be worked in if you really want to) and ending up with something green, growing and tasty.

This is the herb garden I built for Violet while she was out of town a few weeks ago:

First, I followed where the sun hit our yard for a day and found this little section to be the sunniest.

You can’t really tell, but I dug down and turned the dirt (soil, if you will) about a foot and a half deep.

Found some scrap wood and built a simple frame (do not use pressurized wood for food garden beds- the chemicals in the wood will leach and you don’t want to eat that stuff). I also bought a bag of chicken poop to amend the soil a bit. Food loves to grow in chicken poop and chicken poop loves to help food grow. The Seal is totally bored.

Added herbs, watered em’ and voila.

About a month later:

(Want to build one or something similar and have questions? Just email me and I’ll help you out where I can.)

…this is the girl who, as a child, thought commercial breaks were so that the cartoon characters could take a little break to get a snack or use the bathroom before the show came back on.

I have so much I could write about that it has actually kept me from writing anything at all. Well, that and I have the flu.

• Can you imagine how much Cher Thursday I have to catch up on?!? Cher in a musical with Christina (thanks greg.. and what!what!squared!) Chastity now Chaz! This is some big news and all of it quite exciting.

• I saw Marcus for the first time in 8 months a few nights ago. He is easy to pick out being tailless, and he is bigger and fluffier than ever. It made my heart swell to see him so healthy and as happy as a raccoon can present himself. He strut (is ’strut’ the past tense for ’strut’? Strutted? Strought? This fever is getting me) through our back yard at dusk like a man on a mission, huffing like a big ol’ tough guy. It was great to see. He even stopped to pee on his (and now the Seal’s) favorite tree to pee on.

• Fraidy has 5 new fish friends that Violet paid way too much for at a charity auction. I will get some photos up soon and see if you all have any name suggestions. So far there is Goldy and Lox but three no names and I could use some help with that.

• Zoe’s mom passed away about a week ago and I have no idea what to say about that yet, if ever. Not sure I will say anything but that it has been hard. Really hard. For a lot of people.

• I was in MiddleofNowhere California last week and after a few drinks at a motel bar I ended up on stage singing happy birhday to a woman that I had known for all of 5 hours. Her speaking voice sounded just like Dolly Parton and I just couldn’t get enough of her. (Yes, I kicked in a little of my best Cher towards the end). That was a good time… until the next day.

• It is pride weekend and Violet has never been to one before. She asked me what I was going to dress up as and I replied, “Um, me.” She then asked how to register to be a dyke on a bike. I explained that the bike in this situation is not actually the kind of bike she has but that motorcycle doesn’t rhyme with dyke, hence the slogan’s usage of the word ‘bike’. She was fairly disappointed but went right back to the ‘well then, what costumes should we wear?’ conversation. Um, seriously. No.

• Last night I met a woman that is a veterinarian… for elephants. ELEPHANTS. Ummmm yes, what you just read is correct. I am totally infatuated with this woman’s career at present and am scheming up ways to try and make her think I am half as cool as she so that maybe we can hang out again. My  two very favorite animals on earth ever (besides the Seal) are elephants and octopi. I could go on and on… and on about this, like I did last night with the rad elephant vet lady, but I wont here. Right now at least.

• At present, like I mentioned, I have the flu (ah! that is why this post is so flat and without personality, you say? Yes. That is why.) and I am hoping to find enough energy to participate in the gay weekend with mild flare at least, sans costume. I will let you know.

The catch-up-with-my-blog-list goes on and on, but as this flu has zapped my ability to sound even remotely interesting, I will leave it like this for now.

Happy gay Friday.