My sentiment exactly. And as of today, for now, California’s as well.

1. She is terrified of bees. Ridiculously, irrationally afraid of them in a way that makes all things with wings something to dramatically flail away from while screaming and swatting furiously.

1.a. All of the James’ are a tad dramatic by nature and we are all certain that the exaggeration-gene comes from my mom.

2. My mom is very cute and small and blonde and smart, with big blue eyes and a smile that turns heads. She also has this amazing ability to sneak swear words into a sentence and somehow make it sound sweet and appropriate. I will tell her some good news and she might say, “Honey! That is just great! Fucking great!” Or I’ll tell her something she finds surprising and she might say, “No shit!” I don’t know how exactly to explain it, but on her, swear words work. They are necessary at times really.

Yesterday we were on the phone for a bit as she was driving home from work. Right as she pulled up to the house some very small animal with the ability to fly flew past her face and that is all she saw before she hopped out of the car with a big squeal.

mom: “Well. Something just flew into the car. Hm.”

me: “Mom, it was nothing, don’t worry about it.” And I continued on with what I was telling her.

mom: “Better not have been a bee!”

me: “It wasn’t a bee.” And I continued…

mom: “Well, I don’t see it. Hm. That bee better not be in my hair!”

me: “Nothing is in your hair, mom. Are you listening?”

mom. “Yes. Of course. You know what, hang on honey, let me put the phone down for a second while I freak the fuck out.”

me: [waiting while hearing distance sounds of her flapping and rustling around]

mom: “Well damn it, who knows. But if that bee is in my car tomorrow morning…

me: “Mom! There is no bee. Knock it off.”

mom: “Because that will just scare the shit out of me.”

me: “There is no bee in your car, mom.”

mom: “Oh sure, you can say that. You’re not the one who is going to get stung to death on the way to work tomorrow morning.”

One of my very favorite things to do is find a swanky/comfy bar/pub/cafe/living room, settle in with a hoppy beer and listen to smart, preferably attractive (let’s just be honest here), interesting people saying exciting, witty, thought-provoking, well put together poems, spoken word, rants, stories, and/or anything and everything in between.

Is this another classic example of my lesbian tendencies? Yes sir, but remember I will have walked to these events listening to Cher so figure that one out.

~  ~  ~   ~   ~

Alright, here is all the information you’ll need to be apart of what is going to be THE PLACE TO BE on April 13th:

Sideshow: The Queer Literary Carnival
Hosted by Cheryl B. & Sinclair Sexsmith

Sideshow is a new monthly reading/performance series in NYC. Featuring some of the very finest queer (and queer ally) writers and literary performers out there.   “Serious literature for ridiculous times by freaks, jokesters and outlaws.”

Premiere event April 13th @ The Phoenix
447 East 13th Street at Avenue A,
East Village, New York City
Doors, 7pm. Reading, 8pm. FREE!

http://sideshowreadingseries.wordpress.com

Follow them on Twitter! @sideshowseries
This month’s theme is Secrets

Starring:

Kate Bornstein (Hello, Cruel World)
Sam J. Miller (The Rumpus)
Seth Clark Silberman aka PhDJ (Fresh Men: New Voices in Gay Fiction)
Kathleen Warnock (Drunken! Careening! Writers!)

~   ~   ~   ~   ~

F.A.Q.s (that I’m just assuming you are wondering):

Will I turn into a gay if I go to something like this? You might, but you also might not.

But what if one of the readers totally makes me hot and they’re the same-sex as me? Well, that’s a little gay, but it is also natural, these folks are professionals and daaamn good at what they do. Let it go, have another beer.

What if I’m not queer? Can I still go? No… JOKING. Of course you can. Just don’t wear white socks. That is never ok.

Why can’t I wear white socks? Because then everyone will know you are (probably) straight and (definitely) single in that way where straight and single aren’t cool. Just trust me, no one gets laid in white socks.

Can anyone appreciate such an evening with these sorts of going ons? Yes, anyone can and most good people do.

But wait! I have more questions! Well, I’m done with your questions. Email Sinclair.

Happy pinching, everyone.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

May your day be filled with kisses, hugs, cheese and squirrels!

Love,

the Seal

Enjoy.

Manly Bike for Sale

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO

I must have waited over an entire hour to respond, you know, so not to look desperate or anything and emailed, “Yes. Yes. Yes. I will be there! See you then. Thanks!”

So, tomorrow morning, I will hit the road, cross state lines and once again show up to a haunted old high school to spend an hour with some of the most remarkable folks under the age of 18 that I have ever been so lucky to meet. The topic of their meeting this week?  “Coming out.” Right. Simple. Easy. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.

I will keep you posted, of course, like I do.

I have already spent a few days with my family and love them, I do, but this time with Violet’s family feels quite nice and relaxing.

This is a two day adventure to our destination meaning Violet and I will suck up as much bad cable television as possible tonight in whatever hotel will let the Seal in. Hopefully this will include the Real Housewives of Anywhere and, of course, the Golden Girls. I feel good about the prospects. I feel good about this trip in general.

Violet’s present is wrapped and after it is unwrapped I will let folks know where the inspiration came from. And by ‘inspiration’ I mean my gift is fine but not nearly as creative as the ideas y’all came up with. Thanks again for all of your help with that.