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About a week ago, Violet and I bought a bunch of fish. We wanted ten or maybe even twenty but then the fish-sales-guy did this crazy up-sell and talked us into twenty five. I don’t know how and I don’t know why we agreed but we did and so we have. We got back into our car with a big bag full of fish and as we drove they swam.
The pond has been empty for a while. I’m not an easy repair with a broken heart but when spring started to spring this year I knew it was time. Last month I bared the grief and drained the pond completely. I scrubbed it out and have since attempted to “balance” it and get it ready for new fish life.
I still think about and miss, very much, my best fish-guy and am not the kind of person who likes to replace. I would much rather dwell on how much I miss Fraidy and how no fish could or will ever take that fish-love-spot in my heart. But, this pond is actually just a well-kept mud puddle of standing water when there is no life inside- so.
So, now there are twenty five little fish dudes and dudettes swimming around, trying to find there place in this new home. Like I mentioned briefly in my last post, I have yet to make any new fish friends but I do enjoy seeing that calm and beautiful space filled with flippy, splashy, swimming life.
Just today, just now, I went out there to give the little guys and gals some food and maybe even try to get to know them a bit. As I scattered the fish flakes, all of a sudden, one of the little baby fish came swimming towards me and then very dramatically turned the other direction and splashed away. It reminded me of the way Fraidy would show off in the evenings when I’d get home from work and come to say hello. I then noticed that minus the lipstick-red lips, this little pint-sized baby showoff fish had almost the same markings as Fraidy.
It’s no big deal really, except that it made me pause and realize, that somehow, somewhere along this way, some repair has happened. And of course, I want these little baby fish to swim and thrive and have the best little fish lives that they can. But beyond that, I am also willing to consider, at the very least, the notion of, the potential to and the possibility of, loving, differently, again.
An old photo of my best-fish-dude, Fraidy Phat the Fish:
Here’s what I’ve decided: If I don’t just start to write, in the middle, towards the end or even just make something up you’ll never hear from me again. My hang up, this whole time, after a few weeks went by from post to post, was where do I start now?
This weekend I spent a lot of time with an old friend who I hadn’t seen or talked to in several months and we just picked right up with, “As I was saying…” as if less than 5 minutes had passed since the last person spoke.
And then I thought to myself, I can do this. I can do this on my blog.
So, as I was saying…
Let me start towards the end, and see where we go. I’ll use the greg-bullet style to get things rolling (hold on tight folks, the margins are going to be a wonky mess and all over the place! And I don’t know how, have time, or care to learn, to fix any of that.)
- Most recently, as in 5 minutes ago, I submitted the “ok” to an editor who is putting the final touches together for a story of mine that will be publish sometime this summer. When I have permission to talk about the book (a compilation of essays by different authors), I will of course, let you know more about it, where to find it, etc. I’ve never been officially “published” before so, this is rather exciting.
Speaking of exciting, I’ve got news. News that makes me feel light headed and nervous even as I type. But I’ll wait a second and mention this little bite first:
- Violet and I were in San Fransisco in May and we both really liked it there. It is a gorgeous city. I did some research and the sun shines there 100 more days a year than here. The people were really nice, in this way that weirded both Violet and me out. Like, we would walk by someone and they’d be all, “Hi.” And we’d be thinking, “why in the world are you acknowledging our existence, you freak!?” But we’d just shoot this look of confusion as we returned the hello. We both began to realize the we have been overly Seattle-ized and that a lot of places in this country aren’t like here. Seattle is great and has been very good to us for a long time now. But, in general, it is overly behaved and passive in a way that can be very isolating in a way that you forget to notice. After you are done being constantly offended by the lack of real interaction with people you don’t know you just sort of get used to it – that is, until you go somewhere else and are reminded that humans do talk to people they don’t know and for no other reason sometimes but that they are both in the same place at the same time. It’s an awesome concept and I miss it. A lot. So, we both applied for jobs there and just when we decided we didn’t even make the form-letter “thanks but no thanks” email I got a call and have been asked to interview in a few weeks. Obviously, this is to be continued.
Ok, you skipped to this part of the post anyway, so here you go:
(this is the shortest version of anything you’ll ever get from me, ever.)
- Two weeks ago Violet and I spent a week in San Diego. One morning we were sitting on a gorgeous beach in La Jolla. The sun was shining, the waves were rolling up to tickle our toes when she told me she loved me. I put my arm around her as I stared at the ocean and then she pulled a ring out of her pocket and asked me to marry her. I said I would think about it and get back to her within 3 to 5 business days.
Actually, I smiled and kissed her, watched her put a really sweet and delicate gold band on my finger and told her nothing in the world sounded like a better idea.
I knew she was going to propose. We both knew. We’ve talked about it a lot and for quite a while, but that has nothing more or less to give or take from one of the better moments I’ve ever had. I have a book I could write at this point, on all of the things around marriage that Violet and I have talked about and I’ll put some of that out here later. We have very particular and intentional reasons for exactly why we are engaged, exactly why we will get married and several ideas brewing as to how we will marry. They are lovely and profoundly important and intimate reasons and they all make me blush and they all make me even more excited to move in this way, forward, if you will, with my best friend. And what ever pieces I can brave to let out, set free, I will write about here. Later.
- In more general-life upkeep news, the Seal is still the raddest dog ever. Marcus has been rather elusive but her big fat babies are out and about, causing trouble and knocking our garbage and compost down and all over. Last week Violet and I bought 25 little baby gold fish that are now zig zagging around our pond, playing fish games by day and hiding from Marcus’ babies at night. So far I haven’t really made any new fish friends but they seem happy and I look forward to naps in the yard next to them.
So, I’ll leave things here for now. This is a start. A start to the middle of it all.
More to come.
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