My lack of posting has been bugging me. Mostly I have felt like I should do some sort of recap of this last holiday break with both Violet’s family and my family (they live in the same area, randomly enough.) But this holiday was hard for me. Hard in very personal ways, which are the hardest ways for me to write about. Hard enough to induce a couple of meltdowns or breakdowns, whatever you want to call them. And the way I choose to write this blog comes with a particular filter that makes it even harder to write about this kind of stuff. Like, in this case, feeling hurt and disappointed the way I do, with my family.
The story here is tricky, because I love my family, immeasurably, and I understand them in ways and know them with layers and layers of time and connection. So by recounting snippets of moments where my grandma was remarkably rude to Violet then goes out to a world where my grandma has no reasonable and warranted back up- all of the millions of beautiful and loving things about her, you know? The fear I often have writing here, is the fear of delivering a two dimensional, one sided, flat, imbalanced reality. When what I want to do, what I try to do, is simply paint pictures, tell stories.
So, to continue annoying myself with resistant writing, the best I can do for this one is to say that Violet and I have known each others family exactly the same amount of time but the level of inclusion into each others family felt so imbalanced over the holiday it broke my heart a few different times and it kept me up at night. My family being the folks invalidating my relationship by repeatedly reinforcing, sometimes with ignorance, sometimes with intention, that Violet is not their family.
It broke my heart to watch Violet try to stay strong and kind and loving when my family would make Violet an outsider. I have never had my teeth so clamped around my tongue with them before (which is saying a lot, believe me) and the only reason I kept my mouth shut was because I feared that if I exploded and started pointing fingers they would all blame my outburst on Violet. Well, that, and Violet wouldn’t want me to defend her that way.
My instinct to defend and protect and keep Violet safe and happy and loved is potent and unstoppable. And it is mutual. I know this because she tells me and shows me this all of the time, in ways that are so intentionally loving and soft and infinite. In ways that cradle me to sleep at night, past all of the anger and anxiety and fear that I carry, into dreams about being free. She does this for me all of the time, she always has, and this, over the years, has softened my brow. And this kind of love has taught me how to hold my angry, defensive words, this time towards my family, until what I have to say has the love I feel for them tucked in as well. This is what Violet has always done for me, and this is how I am learning to love the world back.
This post was suppose to be a vague recap of my holiday adventures, but I like it better this way, and so, for now, I’ll end here.
23 comments
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January 8, 2010 at 4:43 pm
kristen
i’m sitting here with Freedomgrrl and Sinclair, and i just read your post aloud and got all mushy, and they said, “leave a comment! leave a comment! comments matter!” i’ve had a couple of martinis, okay, one, and that feels like a couple to me. anyway, your writing is just fucking awesome, for one thing. i had a rough holiday with the fam, too, and i can only imagine what kind of words i would have had with anyone who fucked with my partner…but also, holding back can also mean something, and that can also be incredibly protective. that’s maturity, and it’s pretty fucking beautiful. as is your relationship with Violet.
January 8, 2010 at 7:17 pm
jessejames
Aw, that is very sweet. Thank you. And! I want to drink a martini with you and Sin and FG!
January 10, 2010 at 5:52 pm
fg (for now)
yeah we wished you were there too. <3
January 8, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Blazer
I think I have been lucky in this department. Most of the members of immediate family have always treated my GF (and Ex) as a member of the family. Hell, my nephews like my GF better than they like me. (Go figure, their young and will someday recognize their mistake.)
However, there are exceptions. For instance, an uncle, that is a bit of a redneck, and has yet to become comfortable with his own son’s sexuality. He is not rude but distant with my GF. My grandfather, when he was alive, was interesting. He didn’t really acknowledge that my GF and I were what (GFs, partners, lovers) but always referred to my Ex as his adopted daughter. His relationship with my GF was a bit less close, but I simply think he liked my Ex better than my current GF. He even kept in touch with her after we broke up (she did not keep in touch with me).
You’re right; we know our families through layers of experience (not all good but not all bad). I have been known to react in the moment and regret it later on. Addressing slights and even homophobic comments (like they don’t apply to us) when I am calmer is usually the best idea. It would be easier, however, if biting your tongue didn’t hurt so damned much.
You are so lucky you have Violet and I am sure she knows that you would kick some ass for her. Thanks for the great post.
January 9, 2010 at 12:04 pm
jessejames
Wow, that is a hard situation with the grandfather and the ex. That must be hard for your GF. I have a little bit of that issue with my family as well. And it’s not like they need to cut ties with my ex, who doubles as a good friend, but come on! Violet is MY family, so, by default, she is their family too. It seems so obvious to me. And with step parents in this mix, you would think this would be obvious to them.
If you have ever confronted your family or dealt with this in some way and have any tips, send em along!
January 8, 2010 at 7:04 pm
JMc
Partnership is a unique opportunity to look at things through someone else’s eyes. Kind of takes the urgency out the hurt. Ok, back to the frosting, popcorn and beer I am having for dinner while Sara is out of town…through her eyes, that would not constitute a meal.
January 8, 2010 at 7:22 pm
jessejames
Is the frosting ON the popcorn? Violet and I also have very different ideas on what “constitutes a meal” as well. I say enjoy the popcorn, frosting and beer, but seriously, are you putting the frosting ON the popcorn or just eating spoonfuls of it? What flavor is this frosting? This is a homebrew, I’m guessing? I am so fascinated… can you tell?
January 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm
JMc
It started with a coconut porter and popcorn…but I over salted. Easy fix…a couple power hits from the frosting can (leftover from the Buche de Noel). Chocolate frosting and coconut porter might just be heaven.
January 8, 2010 at 9:24 pm
alphafemme
Oh boy. This one brought tears to my eyes. Both my family and mi’lady’s family are the same way, and it’s especially hard when we see how differently they treat the male partners of our sisters.
But the way you talk about Violet’s love… That. I don’t have words. Just, maybe I ought to take a page out of her book. And love like that, and love the way you love her back. Just, wow.
January 8, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Darlene
That is so poetic!! And I can certainly relate to this. My partner’s family include me in everything including obituaries of members I never met whereas, my family acts like she just came in off the street.
Our anniversary is three days after Christmas. My adopted mother is in her 80′s and in ill health. The house we built is only three doors down from my mother. My partner helps me attend to many of my mother’s needs. Her doctor appointment was on our anniversary when the following exchange occurred:
ME: (happy) You know Mom, today is my 15th anniversary.
MOM: (sounding shocked)To who?
ME: (deadpan) You know! 15 years drug free….What do you mean to who?! Who do you think???
MOM: (agitated) Well, I don’t count and keep track of how many years it’s been.
ME: (sarcastic) Well, that’s obvious! Because apparently you can’t keep track of who I’m with either!
And yet she can tell you how long my brother was married and how long he has been divorced….
January 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm
jessejames
Oh man! Again, I can relate! My brother has been dating some girl for 5 months. 5 little months. I have been with Violet for over 4 years and during my time with the family i cannot tell you how many times people were asking my brother about this girl, inviting her over. I’m telling you, my blood was boiling.
Good for you for talking to your mom about this. Sounds like you have probably had this conversation a few times. Does it ever get easier?
Thanks for sharing. It feels good to see how not alone I am with this issue.
January 9, 2010 at 4:51 am
kalisisrising
I cried over this post. That kind of love is rare and awesome and amazing and that you are learning from it shows so much about you. It is a gift that you will keep with you forever. I’m so happy for you and Violet and your families.
I also share that feeling about writing about my family, even though I don’t have that many people reading. It’s just hard to explain my thoughts and feelings without always qualifying and it can get long and complicated. I also keep them out of my public writing because were they ever to find it, I would have a pretty serious issue since they tend to overreact and have hurt feelings over nearly nothing (I had a situation with my FB account – I had written maybe 12 very excited posts about my dad coming to visit and one that was a sort of tongue in cheek joke about my inability to stand up and be an adult around him and of course, the only one he heard about was the one that offended him).
It’s a fine line to walk and I don’t trust myself to do them justice right now. There are people though who DO write about their families and you know that they come from such a place of love and appreciation that they don’t have to constantly explain away the aggravations. I hope to get to that point in my writing some day and of course, I wish the same for you.
January 9, 2010 at 7:21 am
greg
I woke up maybe 10 minutes ago and this is the first thing I read. Do I really need to tear up without the proper amount of coffee in my system? sigh. You make me proud. The way you pulled back the curtain to this magnificent space and especially the way you love your Violet. It’s not all simple and pretty but to have a place where you can go and be as real as you want is sometimes vital. Good for you for taking a step.
January 9, 2010 at 7:52 am
apple
coming out in my last relationship to my family and having them accept my partner with open arms, always making her feel comfortable and in their way, part of the family, contrasted with her being out to her very traditional parents for over a decade before meeting me, and having them never quite welcome me as a family member, more of a guest passing through, her mother even going so far as to having some kind of nervous breakdown while i happened to be visiting, comparing me to unwanted family members and asking why we couldn’t just pretend for her that we’re just friends, it’s an awful place to choose between your partner and your family, one nobody should have to do, ones that must be lived with once they’re made.
January 9, 2010 at 4:09 pm
me
hrmm … my family is hell on fucking wheels in general. hugs.
January 10, 2010 at 9:03 am
jup
“And this kind of love has taught me how to hold my angry, defensive words, this time towards my family, until what I have to say has the love I feel for them tucked in as well.”
Nothing two dimensional, flat or one-sided about that! I felt the infinite layers involved and the depth of you and your life in this story soooo well told – picture well painted.
A truly touching glimpse into a beautiful love.
Love reading you.
January 10, 2010 at 12:05 pm
jessejames
Wow. Thanks to those of you who shared your similar stories. I think that is so great and appreciate your willingness to put it out there, on this blog. And thanks to all for the kind words and support. It means a lot.
January 10, 2010 at 6:09 pm
fg (for now)
i’d like to chime in too and say that families, even when supportive, can get freaky when you’re dealing with change. i’ve been so hesitant to talk honestly about any of the really tough stuff that’s going on with me right now for fear of my family saying things that might minimize and belittle the intensity and depth of what we had. it’s so easy for people to reveal their true opinions once they think someone’s out of the picture, or maybe they think that it will validate what you’re going through.
relatedly, my partner’s family never treated me equally, or seemed to even like me very much most of the time. some family members were better than others. the part that was hardest was when my partner wouldn’t acknowledge that pattern. i’m sure that violet appreciates that you can see their slights, and that you don’t think that’s an appropriate way for her to be treated.
a slightly different perspective here, but the myriads of ways that we are treated differently from normative heterosexuals are so sad to me. you and violet are awesome, a truly beautiful family, and one that anyone should be proud of.
January 11, 2010 at 6:23 am
Jen
Aww geeze. This makes me so sad. And angry. For you guys, for the thousands of gay people out there that are treated this way. I’m lucky, and I know it. My family is accepting and inclusive. The women I’ve been partnered with have accepting and inclusive families. And that’s important to me because family is important to me. My brother and his gf used to get a lot of attention, questions asked to them like were asked to your brother. When my ex and I went on a cruise with them, we all got formal pictures taken. We gave one to my mom of the four of us but she didn’t hang it up. She did, however, hang up the small picture that my brother and his gf gave her of just the two of them. And that hurt me deeply. And in other ways, it just seemed like they treated them differently, their relationship was always validated. Happily though, the picture incident was almost 6 years ago and things are not the same.
From what you’ve written it seems that both of you are strong and handling it with grace, which isn’t easy. I’m proud of you both. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. You have a beautiful family with Violet and Seal and the actions and words of your other family members can’t take that away.
January 11, 2010 at 7:00 am
ladybrettashley
oh, i have only hugs to offer you and violet over this. and some acknowledgement of how ridiculously lucky i am for both my family and jamie’s – especially after reading everyone’s comment (and, in fact, i’ll have hugs for all y’all too). i think you did an excellent job of conveying the nuance that are, of course, in play, even if it wasn’t the recap you intended.
January 11, 2010 at 2:06 pm
e
What a beautifully written post, jj. And a hard one to write. The lesson learned ~ of considering your words, of not reacting hastily, of taking a breath ~ will last all your life.
My girl and I are lucky in that both our families accept us as partners. At one point, though, early on in our relationship, I thought I could sense some reserve, some reluctance, on my mother’s part. I said to her, the next time that I saw her and without my gf’s presence, that I hoped she would grow to like T. She was surprised that I said it and assured me that she did indeed like T, but she was quite a bit warmer towards her after that. Sometimes you have to say something.
It’s hard to expect equality from our country when getting it from our families is a challenge.
January 11, 2010 at 2:48 pm
jessejames
Wow, e, that is such a good (and sad) point! I hadn’t thought that through so linearly, but now that you put it like that, seems so obvious. Thanks for the comment!
January 12, 2010 at 7:03 pm
saintchick
I know this post is somewhat about you.. but I say “way to go” Violet…