In the last week, every single day for the last several days, there has been a web search that says something like, “why do they call me gay” and “why do they tell me I’m gay” and “why do they tease me [that] I’m gay” that has led to my blog somehow. It’s very likely that it was several different folks and several different searches, but my gut, for whatever reason, doesn’t think so. And I’m not sure how or why you clicked on my blog each time, but you’ve been here day after day this week, so, I’m writing this post to you, on the off chance that you’ll stop by at least once more.
To my ‘why do they call me gay’ googler,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot and wondering what your story is. I’ve made up in my head that you are a 9 or 11 or 13 or 15 year old kid in some small town who is waking up each morning dreading having to go to school a little bit more than the day before. My guess is that you are a really smart kid, but it’s getting harder and harder to focus on schoolwork with the name calling. Instead you are online asking google why the world is being so mean to you right now. You are probably confused about a lot of things and you are online trying to figure out what you are doing wrong.
This may be your story, or close, or I may be way off, but this is a lot of people’s story and that sucks. It’s my story (minus the invention of google – I use to take the bus three towns away and look for books about it in a library where I prayed no one would know me. And I’m not even old, so get over that idea!)
I grew up in a small town and started having a really hard time in high school once folks began accusing me of being gay. This teasing didn’t bug me or bother me; it terrified me and made my already totally confusing life way more confusing. I wasn’t sure if I was gay or not but when I started getting called ‘gay’, and folks were talking about me behind my back, teasing me, friends started acting weird or stopped talking to me, I became way more worried about being accused of being gay than if I thought I was or not. So, I started spending as little time in school as I could get away with. I was good at most sports and stopped playing all of them. I was first chair trumpet (that means I was top dog player, yo) and stopped playing all together. I got rockin’ SAT scores but barely graduated high school and didn’t even apply for college. I waited to turn 18 and got the hell out of my town.
***DO NOT DO THIS!***
A lot of people have this story, or something close to it. And that sucks. So I see your searches that has somehow brought you to this blog all week and my stomach sinks.
Clearly this is bugging you or confusing you and I really want to reach out to you somehow but I’m not sure how to. I don’t actually know your story. (For all I know you are a 60 year old trucker lady from Minnesota.) But if you are in school and you are getting teased I want something to happen or change for you and I bet you do too. And it can, it’s just a matter of figuring out what to do… but you probably already know that.
And if you are gay or you aren’t gay or you don’t know if you are or if you don’t even care about that stuff anyway, and people are giving you a hard time and calling you names, any names, just so you know: You aren’t doing anything wrong and you don’t deserve to be teased or bullied or called names that make you feel bad or uncomfortable! Ever, ever, ever, in your whole life you never ever need to put up with that!!!
(A really important side note to all of this would be, of course, that being gay isn’t a bad thing. I am totally gay and totally fabulous and I know a TON of gay and fabulous people, but I don’t think that is the main point in this case.)
What I wanted in high school was for someone to help me somehow. I wanted to talk to someone about things but I was way too scared and didn’t know who I could trust. Even though the teasing and the rumors about me were really hurting me I felt like I needed to keep my feelings a secret for some reason. I thought that if I told someone about it things might get worse somehow. And there wasn’t anyone I really trusted at my school to talk to.
And maybe you don’t feel like there is anyone you can talk to at school, or maybe you want to talk to someone who doesn’t know who you are? Well well well! I just found the coolest place for you to call!!! … or, get ready for this!!!… You don’t even have to call, you can just go on their website and chat with someone online!!!
Here’s the info:
Youth Talkline (for ages 25 and under but they will totally talk to you if you are older)
Phone: 1-800-96YOUTH (1-800-969-6884)
Website: youthtalkline.org and click on “online peer support chat”
Hours: Monday-Saturday, 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. (west coast time) (that’s 8p.m. to midnight on the east coast) and sometimes they answer a bit earlier than that.
Or, if you are over 25 and want to talk to the same awesome organization call this number instead: 1-888-843-4564
I just talked to a guy at the Youth Talkline, youthtalkline.org, who was super nice and he said that even though the name of the place on the website is GLBT (which stands for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered) no one that works there cares if you are any of those things or totally straight or you don’t know what you are or you are blue or purple or tall or fat or blond or whatever.
And they will talk or chat with you about whatever you want to in total privacy. He also said they have over 15,000 different resources of different people and places all over the country that might be able to help you out regarding all sorts of stuff. These people will just talk to you about whatever is on your mind, and you don’t even need to tell them your name if you don’t want to. They sound like they know a lot and probably have some good ideas on how to help you out.
And whatever, whoever, however, wherever you are if you want to talk or ask me questions just email me, jessejamesblog@gmail.com, and we can get in touch. I would love it. (I’m the only one who reads my email!) And if I’m not who you need/want to talk to and those numbers above aren’t the right fit, maybe I can help you find a better fit.
Also, just so you know, I’m really sorry that whoever is calling you gay is making you feel confused about why they are saying that. And if they are hurting your feelings I’m really sorry you are getting your feelings hurt.
And even though we don’t know each other, do me a favor, go to a mirror, point your finger at yourself and say this as loud as you want to (it’s long, you might want to write it down first):
NONE OF THIS NAME CALLING CRAP IS MY FAULT AND I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG! I AM AWESOME AND FABULOUS. I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE CALLED NAMES OR TEASED OR BULLIED OR MADE TO FEEL BAD OR SCARED OR UNCOMFORTABLE BY ANYONE AT ANY TIME EVER, EVER, EVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE… EVER!!! I DESERVE LOVE AND KINDNESS AND RESPECT AND NOTHING LESS!!! AND IF THEY DON’T KNOCK IT OFF JESSE JAMES WILL KICK THEIR BUTTS!!!
OK, that last sentence isn’t true and is actually a really, really bad idea!!! We’re working towards peace here… no butt kicking necessary.
Get in touch with that youth talk line (youthtalkline.org) and see how it goes, you have nothing to lose – or get in touch with me, but get in touch with someone, ok?! A lot of folks care about you and really don’t want you to be having a hard time. I don’t even know who you are and I’ve been thinking about you all week. I care about you.
So, that’s all I got for now, which isn’t a lot for this much writing.
Take good care of yourself, buddy. I’ll be thinking about you.
jesse james
18 comments
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October 20, 2009 at 5:47 pm
greg
That is so very sweet of you! That has got to be so frightening and isolating for a kid (if it is indeed a kid) to go through.
Do you remember that anon commenter on my blog a while back, the one who was mean to me? Well, that commenter is the only reason I check out my sitemeter. Still there, every single morning. Well I haven’t checked in a long time now but I have a good feeling my anon friend will still be there. When I write certain posts, I think of him/her and I hope that I’m helping in some way. Anyway, I hope so. I’m sure that you have helped someone today and that’s so wonderful. Good on you.
October 20, 2009 at 7:40 pm
freedomgirl
oh my god, this really made me almost cry. i just want to reiterate, to the anonymous googler: just in case you really are a scared gay (or not) kid, take jessejames’ advice. call someone for help, let them know what’s going on. you are so not alone. and doing your best in school will let you get out and go to college, which, if you pick the right one, will be a hotbed of awesome gayness. and if you’re not gay, you can find one that will be a hotbed of whatever awesomeness you’re into. and then you will be able to live in peace, however you want.
you can comment on our blogs too.
this may seem like overkill to the uninitiated, but this is serious stuff to those of us who have been through it.
October 20, 2009 at 7:45 pm
alisha
i also recommend seeing if there is a GLSEN chapter new you, googler!
http://www.glsen.org
October 21, 2009 at 12:02 am
jessejames
Wonderful resource, alisha. Thanks for the link!
October 21, 2009 at 2:27 pm
alisha
no problem. thanks for the entry.
and to sort of correct my earlier post a bit, GLSEN would be a resource for youth, but honestly, if someone older contacted them, they’d probably try to put them in touch with the right people as well.
October 21, 2009 at 2:43 am
Kim
freedomgirl may have almost cried, but I’m balling my eyes out! great advice, jesse. i hope your googler follows it and finds some help and support. thanks for taking the time to do this jesse. you’re my favourite blogger because you care so much. x
October 21, 2009 at 6:53 am
sinclair
nicely done, buddy. I love that you are such a storyteller that you can take google searches and turn it into a lovely post on growing up gay or gay bullying. your heart is thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis big, aw. <3
also: you were first chair trumpet?! wtf! I have known you for 9 years (!!!) and I never knew that!
October 21, 2009 at 11:42 am
jesse james
I bet I could still muster up the star wars theme if we run into a trumpet while I’m there. Haven’t played in 15 years though… Now, the golden girls theme on guitar is ON.
October 21, 2009 at 7:46 am
e
Why we love Jesse James: see above.
Great advice. And, kid, please remember these two things:
1) You are not the only one like you. There are people like us everywhere.
2) This too shall pass. You will make it through this part and go on to much better parts.
xoxoxoxoxox
October 21, 2009 at 11:38 am
jesse james
Your #1 is such an important and huge point! Thanks for saying that, e. No matter who this (these) kid(s) is/are and what is going on for them, there are other people that feel the same way and are going through similar stuff. There just is.
I really wish someone would have said that to me as a teen. Thanks.
October 21, 2009 at 11:43 am
Blazer
Jeez Jess, I wish I had gotten this message from someone when I was in middle school and high school. But alas, small conservative town, way before google (or home computers for that fact…yes, I am ancient).
Googler – Take Jess’ advise. No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself for any reason. Stand strong and find someone to talk to.
October 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm
jessejames
Blazer, me too! The resources out there today are totally incredible! I actually found out last week that the high school I went to now has a GSA which TOTALLY blew my mind! They had to threaten the principal, who said no to the idea, with a lawsuit through the ACLU to get it – but they got it! I plan on attending one of the meetings and speaking there in the near future.
Times, they are a changin’.
November 29, 2009 at 4:04 pm
silencedjourney
I’ve come back to this post many times with the intent to comment but can never find the right words. I’m not your googler and fortunately I’ve never had to deal with that type of bullying but I still found this post incredibly comforting. I stumbled across it on a particularly rough night at home and although it wasn’t directed at me, it still picked me up and reminded me of the truth. Thank you so much.
November 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm
jessejames
thanks silencedjourney. I’m glad you’re not my googler and that you’ve never had to deal with that kind of bullying. I wish you the best and am glad to have helped you, anyone, ever, remember their truth. That is a high compliment that I am not sure what to do with. I appreciate it, a lot. (just tried to click on your blog… all gone?)
December 1, 2009 at 3:31 am
silencedjourney
hmmm, it should be linking back to http://silencednolonger.wordpress.com/ but I guess I never changed the url from my old blog. Should work now *crosses fingers*
January 28, 2010 at 5:35 am
building bridges « just like jesse james
[...] form for more than a few days I would start to worry. Or how someone wrote, “I’m not your gay googler, but I might as well have been a few years back. Where was that hot line then?” Or how one of [...]
February 4, 2010 at 5:42 am
if i could learn to rhyme « just like jesse james
[...] as of late, if you google “why do they call me gay” out of 50 million and some hits, my post on this question is the top result. I am relieved because when folks were searching that phrase online and somehow [...]
March 2, 2010 at 12:18 pm
ash-a-frash
jesse,
thank you thank you thank you for writing this! i hope that whoever you were addressing found it, read it, and followed your suggestions. i wish you (or someone like you) had been around when i was in middle school, because i definitely could have used a boost of confidence and courage. i cried a little when i read this post because what you said is so true and so important! keep writing!