everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater

February 9, 2010 in Uncategorized | by jessejames | 4 comments

Today’s post is a simple cut and paste from an ad on craigslist, which is not how I roll, but for no reason in particular I am reaching a bit more than usual to smile today and this always does the trick. The ad does carry a bit of a risk to offend but I’m telling you, it’s funny, it’s my favorite ad ever and it makes me smile.

Enjoy.

Manly Bike for Sale

Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO

if i could learn to rhyme

February 4, 2010 in cher thursday | by jessejames | 3 comments

Every now and then I check the background going ons of this little blog. My favorite thing to check is the web searches that folks type in that land them here (it doesn’t show WHO, just WHAT was searched, calm down.) Some are fairly obvious, some are pretty random and a few, to me anyway, are quite entertaining. My very favorite search of all time was just a few days ago, that read, “If I Could Learn To Rhyme, by Cher.” That one took me a second, but what they meant was, “If I Could Turn Back Time, by Cher.”

I don’t know how or why but a very frequent search is “jesse james the faggot” or “jesse james is gay.” I mean, yes, yes I am, but that is a bit of a strange pathway to get here.

I am very happy that, as of late, if you google “why do they call me gay” out of 50 million and some hits, my post on this question is the top result. I am relieved because when folks were searching that phrase online and somehow found this blog before I wrote about it I decided to google that exact phrase just to see what would come up. I wrongly hoped and assumed I’d find resources and legitimate information. What I found was the first several top results were so horrible and attempted to confirm all of the awful, nasty, ignorant, hateful things that can be used to answer that question. It was alarming really. So for now, ha! lesbian faggot blogger gets the first crack at answering that one!

And around graduation time plenty of folks land on this one.

Around the time I went to New York last fall I had a few searches that read, “Sugarbutch boyfriend” and “Sinclair loves Jesse” which I just assume Sinclair searched.

A few searches recently that I know must have really led folks astray were: “naughty lesbians” “caught with a woody” “pee on me.” Sorry about that guys, but this blog is fairly pg-13 minus my inability to refrain from swearing.

How in the world “Somebody’s gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies” is searched as often as it is, I’ll never know, but that entire phrase has come up more than 6 times in the last month. Every time anyone searches anything Cher and lands here makes me smile.

Do I have any point at all to this post? No. I just wanted to type and link “If I Could Learn To Rhyme, by Cher.” I have been singing it in my head like that for days and my guess is, you might now too.

Happy Friday-eve, everyone! Happy Cherday.

there’s a lesson in here somewhere, i just know it.

February 1, 2010 in Violet, dog days, how I roll | by jessejames | 12 comments

Last weekend Violet, the Seal and I decided to go on a last minute adventure. We ended up driving north for a few hours to the sweet little town of Bellingham. On our way back we stopped at Larrabee State Park. There was a short wooded trail that led to a small beach. Violet, the Seal and I explored our little desert island of a beach together, walking in the sand, climbing on rocks, looking at little tide pools with sea anemone, starfish, and little crabs. At one point, maybe a few hundred feet away, we watched a blue heron stalk and catch her lunch. She was huge and her graceful ability to dart her beak into the water and come back up with a fish was beautiful and had all three of us awe-struck.

We didn’t know we were going to stop here and I certainly wasn’t wearing the right shoes for it. I had on a pair of very water unfriendly leather loafers and because of that I was trying to be extra careful not to get them wet with salt water (It was really cold and we were walking on rock with bits of coral barnacle or I would have just taken them off.) After a few hours we decided we should get going and began walking back up the beach. Every step I took my foot would sink in a puddle of soggy sand and after several steps my feet were getting quite wet. My mind thought, “I am going UP the beach, AWAY from the ocean, there won’t be any water this next step.” But sure enough, somehow every step I took landed me in water. I became more and more focused on my feet and where I was going to step next but I didn’t want to stop moving because that would make my feet sink even further into the wet sand. Eventually, I started to try and hop quickly, hoping this next time my feet would find dry land. But still, with every step my foot found water.

Finally, Violet said, “jesse, stop! Just stop and look at the big picture here.” And so, quite frustrated and soggy footed, I stopped and took my focused attention off of my two wet feet and looked all around to see where I was in the scheme of things. Because I had only been focusing on my feet and nothing else I hadn’t noticed that I was walking right up the path of a shallow but wide stream of water that was flowing from the hillside into the ocean. Three or four steps to either side was an entire beach of dry sand. So, now that I had seen the whole beach compared to where I was exactly I hopped three times to the right and that was that. Dryland.

rose of a lifetime

January 30, 2010 in the golden girls | by jessejames | 4 comments

Oh Rose Nylund, as you well know, you and your other three roommates rock my 20% off-lesbian-chic-wool-hiking socks. And now you’ve won a Lifetime Achievement Award and I couldn’t be more proud. (If only Cher had presented it to you!) You are always oh so funny, original, beautiful, and on your game. Quite simply, you are fabulous.

Rock on, Golden Girl, and congratulations.

(click here to watch her FABULOUS and HILARIOUS acceptance speech)

building bridges

January 28, 2010 in cher thursday | by jessejames | 13 comments

I love this blog. It is a wonderful outlet for me to say and do whatever I want to, yes, and I like writing here, which is a necessary ingredient for blogging, and that is what started my writing here (that and Sinclair’s nudging.) But it’s not really writing here that makes this space interesting to me anymore. I mean, interesting things happen to me now and then and I do like to share them, but more than anything it’s all of the amazing random connections that could not have ever been made in any other way in all of the world and in all of my lifetime that HAVE been made because of this space. THAT is what makes me continue to show up here. THAT is what I love about this little blogo’mine.

When I got emails from folks saying, “jesse! Did you hear about Blanche (or Dorothy or Sophia)?!? I’m so sorry!” I mean WOW! No, I hadn’t heard yet and oh my lord, thanks for thinking of me and for taking the time to let me know. Or when folks ask for updates on Marcus or Fraidy or Violet or the Seal. Or all of the wonderful emails and comments about my visiting the new GSA club at my old haunted high school posts, one email about how you are going to write one of your high school teachers and thank them for supporting your little closeted lesbian self after all these years. Or a heads up that Cher is in a new movie or video or that she brushed her teeth this morning. Or how if I didn’t hear from Blazer in some tweet or comment form for more than a few days I would start to worry. Or how someone wrote, “I’m not your gay googler, but I might as well have been a few years back. Where was that hot line then?” Or how one of my very favorite new friends, greg, will put me on email-chatting-hold so to finish her newest, fabulous post. Or that I am so lucky to have met a slew of amazing bloggers last fall with plans to meet a few more this weekend. Or how Jen leaves a comment, “this has nothing to do with your post or whatever it is that you are writing about but Kathy Griffin spent her birthday with CHER and I thought of you!” And I am a better, happier person to know this, let me tell you.

And on and on it goes. And really, is this not all just totally amazing? And with all of the ways that this let’s me reach back and is teaching me, daring me, challenging me to brave reaching out more, a little bit at a time, past where I sit so comfortably (and anonymously) behind this screen, and push myself in what I chose to write, in how revealing I am, in how much of me, what about me I’ll set free and hand over, well, it all just blows my mind a little.

On that same long-winded-as-usual note, Melissa, someone I have never met before, tweeted this video to me and damn if she didn’t find something Cher that I had never seen before. And to that I say, well done and thanks for reaching out.

Happy Friday eve, everyone! Happy Cherday.

me, right now.

January 27, 2010 in Uncategorized | by jessejames | 12 comments

Some of my favorite bloggers do this now and then and I always like it. They post a photo of themselves right in the moment they are in. So, this is me, or more accurately, where I’m standing, right this very second.

coming out in under an hour

January 25, 2010 in Uncategorized | by jessejames | 16 comments

A few days ago I got a fabulously flattering email from the teacher that watches over my sweet little GSA kiddos at my old high school in Smallmindednowhereville.  And by popular gay demand, the kiddos asked this teacher to ask me if I would attend another meeting, specifically their next meeting …it is a bit of late notice, but is this Tuesday an option?

I must have waited over an entire hour to respond, you know, so not to look desperate or anything and emailed, “Yes. Yes. Yes. I will be there! See you then. Thanks!”

So, tomorrow morning, I will hit the road, cross state lines and once again show up to a haunted old high school to spend an hour with some of the most remarkable folks under the age of 18 that I have ever been so lucky to meet. The topic of their meeting this week?  “Coming out.” Right. Simple. Easy. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.

I will keep you posted, of course, like I do.

a little offlineness

January 22, 2010 in Violet, dog days, how I roll | by jessejames | 8 comments

I have spent this week more offline than usual, which honestly, isn’t so offline, but more so than usual and hence, a real lack of posting. The weather has been wonderful and in the middle of January this is not something you ignore. So Violet, the Seal and I have been outside taking long morning strolls, the Seal and I have spent some time with the 5 little fish out back, and yesterday we went to the beach where I threw a stick, the Seal ran, jumped in the water, got the stick, brought the stick back to me, where I would then pick up the stick and throw it again. We did this for a long time. It is her favorite game and somehow, watching her run back to me at full speed, like, “Don’t worry, jesse! I haaaaave theeeeee stiiiiiiick!” never gets old and always makes me nearly as excited as she seems to be.

So, to keep on with my offlineness this might well be a record short post from yours truly. Happy Friday to all.

blanche!

January 18, 2010 in the golden girls | by jessejames | 7 comments

As of late, nothing seems more terrible and pressing as the devastation in Haiti. Nothing.  (You’ve donated right?) But when a reader sent me an email with an article informing me that my dearest, sweetest, golden girl, Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), had had a stroke my heart dropped.

It is totally impossible to claim one of the girls as my favorite but I will say, Blanche has my favorite lines and gets the biggest laughs from me. And like Cher and a few other notably fabulous women, Rue’s character Blanche has always had a huge fag following. She once asked a gay man why this is and he responded, “Isn’t it obvious? We want to be you.”

So, while we wait for her full recovery, here are a few of my favorite Blanche facts along with some of my favorite one-liners:

“Like the blossom of the ginsum weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor”

Rue’s characters full name on the Golden Girls was Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux, making her initials B.E.D.

“Don’t you ever get a nose bleed from takin’ the high road all of the time?”

Rue was originally asked to play the role of Rose and Betty White was asked to play Blanche. As soon as Rue went in for her audition the writers asked if she would play the role of Blanche. Obviously, she said yes.

“I haven’t had to disappoint so many men since daddy tore down the tree house.”

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a clip of a Golden Girls episode that makes me laugh so hard I cry. every. single. time. This clip is where Blanche and Dorothy agree to go live on a show as “women who live together” as a favor to Rose. Only Rose got the concept wrong. The show was actually about “women who sleep together.” Enjoy:

Dear Rue, you and the other 3 girls have gotten me through more than you could know. So, thank you, you know, for being a friend (I had to say it!). I wish you a speedy recovery and all the best.

jesse james

what not to, as in never, watch with your mother-in-law

January 17, 2010 in Violet, conversations not just in my head, how I roll | by jessejames | 13 comments

Violet’s mom is in town. I adore Violet’s mom and lucky for me the feeling seems to be mutual. We have been having a nice time despite one minor, yet quite awkward, road bump.

Last night the three of us went out for dinner. After eating way too much fabulous Thai food at (yes, I am about to plug a restaurant) Sea Thai in Wallingford (I have been there 2,387 times and it is ALWAYS delicious), we decided to get a movie and have a cozy, early night. The movie we wanted, “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” was checked out so we had to come up with a plan B. And I don’t know about you, but for me, renting a movie is like going to the grocery store in that there are tons of things I want but if I don’t make a list before I go, as soon as I step foot in the store, all of a sudden I can’t think of anything specific, in the whole wide world, that I have any interest in at that moment. This happened to all three of us and when the movie we wanted wasn’t there we all ended up staring blankly at a wall covered in dvd’s. Eventually, a woman that worked at the store asked us if we needed help. Clearly we did.

I asked the nice woman exactly this, “Ya actually. My mother in-law and I (Violet was off looking at subtitled documentaries) are looking for a comedy, but not slapstick, you know, something with smart dialog. ” The movie-rental-lady scratched her head and said, “Let me think a minute.” Fine. Violet’s mom and I continued staring at the wall. The movie rental lady pops back, hands me a dvd and says, “Here. This one didn’t get enough attention as far as I’m concerned. It’s from the 90’s. I bet you all will like it. Funny, smart, coming of age. Great dialog.” The movie title was “Slums of Beverly Hills.” Ok, well, it has Marissa Tomei. The plot didn’t seem particularly good but also not bad so it seemed fine. We were all at a loss for other options, so, this was perfect.

We got home, changed into our pajamas and the four of us (the fourth being the Seal, of course) cuddled up on the couch and pushed play.

First scene starts: And BAM! BOOBS. I’m not kidding, no credits, no song, nothing but boobs. The whole tv screen was covered in a close up of some teenaged girl’s breasts. There is a close-up of her trying on bras while her dad is in the background talking about how “she is stacked.” Awkward. Very awkward start. None of us say anything. “It’s just the first scene” my brain is whispering to me, “it’ll get better.”

Second scene: Marissa Tomay attempting to hitchhike in the dark wearing what appears to be a hospital robe. And as a huge semi truck comes blazing down the street, she stands in front of it, the semi honks it’s loud horn, insinuating “get out of the road lady, I got places to be” when all of a sudden… yep, she flashes her breasts. Once again, all in a matter of 5 minutes, I am sitting next to Violet’s mom on my couch trying to figure out how to exist while my tv screen looks like one big poster of breasts. So. Awkward.

Finally, I say something. I have to, no one else is and clearly this might not be the movie for us. “So, should we all start considering something different to watch?” Both Violet and her mom nod their heads. “Should we just give up now or…?” Violet’s mom says, well, let’s give it a few more minutes but so far this movie does not have my attention.” Which was totally opposite of me. I was so mortified by this movie it was consuming me.

Next scene: The “stacked” teenager is looking inside her family’s new apartment when in walks the neighbor. He is smoking a cigarette, comments on her breasts, which then leads to another close up of her “stackedness”, and then asks her if she would like to buy some weed.

So, wow. Now we have a movie about teenage breasts and drugs. Awesome. Awesome recommendation rental store lady. This movie shouldn’t be so vaguely placed in the “comedy” section. No, this movie should go in the “very smart witty comedy movies to watch with your mother-in-law, grandparents, and young children” section.

Oh, and right before we turned it off, the “stacked” teenager’s little brother pulls a cooked cat out of the oven. I might even ask for my money back.

About jesse james

My name is jesse james and this website is just like me. read more about me

CAST AND POINT

Violet: long time leading lady.

the Seal: dog, pirate, thief of hearts.

fraidy: goldfish, friend.

marcus: raccoon, man of mystery.

cher: fabulousness.

golden girls: why i stay up too late.

the point: write to release, try not to bore you in the mean time.

the other, other point: I write. Hire me.

jesse james on twitter

the Seal on twitter

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